The Mess I'm In
by Zeroninety
Summary: In 2007, the Holograms, minus Jem, reunite for a TV appearance. But will Kimber's family problems derail the show?


The Mess I'm In

All Characters, etc, property of Hasbro.

* * *

><p>"It's now 9:30 here in New York on this Friday, May 11, 2007, and you're watching <em>Wake Up, America!<em> on ABS." Anchor Mike Charles romanced the camera with his supermarket checkout mag-worthy good looks, as he made sure to keep his head tilted so the camera wouldn't catch his bald spot.

"And in this next half-hour, we'll be talking with Dr. Claire Onescu about the best ways to ensure your kids have

a heart-healthy diet." Angie Nichols perched next to Mike on the News Sofa, the studio lights reflecting off her gleaming capped teeth as she imagined her Q ratings doubling with every sweet grin.

Mike allowed only the briefest of pauses before he read his next line. "And later this hour, it's time to go back to the '80s: outside our studio, we'll have a special live performance from the Holograms. Those glittery girls are back for their first performance together in more than _fifteen_ years!"

Angie shook her head on cue. "I can't believe it's been _so_ long."

Mike continued, as if she wasn't there. "Well, today they're here to celebrate the release of a special anniversary DVD of their film _Starbright._"

Angie turned to Mike and sighed longingly. "I, for one, can't wait. I'm such a big fan; back in college, I actually dyed my hair green like them. True story!"

Mike never took his eyes off the camera. "I think that was the Misfits, actually."

Angie ignored her own faux pas. "But for now, here's Susan Cho with the news. Susan?"

* * *

><p>"Let's do 'People Who Care' instead!" I must have blurted that out pretty loudly, because everyone in the greenroom stopped and stared at me for a moment. All except Raya, who had buried her face in the latest <em>Rambling Rock<em>.

Without looking up, she began humming one of my old tunes, a tiny bit off-key. "That one?" she asked.

"No, that's 'Share a Little Bit of Yourself'," Shana replied, before adding a quick apology to the makeup man assigned to touch up her cheekbones.

"Actually," Aja intoned, "it was 'We Can Make a Difference'." As her hair received a few final spritzes from another ABS staffer, she shot me a forced smile. "Sorry, Kimber, I must have misheard. I could almost swear you said you wanted to change our set just minutes before we go on the air."

I've known Aja long enough to realize she doesn't _try_ to look threatening. Still, ever since she let her hair grow back in its natural black, those icy blue eyes of her can be overpowering.

I turned from her and focused on my hands instead. I tried to keep them folded in my lap; I didn't want the others to see them trembling. "Look, it's my fault, guys. I pushed us to do a song we needed more practice on."

I heard Raya pipe up, "Hey, we sounded great at the last rehearsal. Not like with Jem, but still pretty good!"

"Yeah, it's just like riding a bicycle," Aja chimed in, "but with fewer skinned knees!"

I thought of how I'd screwed up. I'd made a big mistake.

Raya laughed and turned to Aja. "Speak for yourself, _mi amiga_! My knees are scraped raw from trying to squeeze behind my kit at that tiny rehearsal room at Shana's!" The others laughed, and she added a quick "Just kidding, girl."

I thought of Sean, and Jerrica, and wondered how I could ever face either of them again.

Shana said, "Well, you can blame Anthony for that. I'd picked out a _perfect _rehearsal room, but Anthony thought a new baby would fit the house better. I've never regretted it, but I sure came close when we tried to cram into that little space!"

I heard the others laughing, including the hair and makeup staff. I imagined the laughter a national TV audience would soon be making.

I slammed my fists to the table in front of me. "Can we _please_ talk about the song now?" I knew I could no longer hide my rapid breathing and shaky hands.

Aja asked the staff members for some privacy and ushered them out of the room. Shana stepped to my side and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Kimber, what's _wrong_? You've been wound so tight lately—what are you not telling us?"

Raya added a comforting hand of her own on my other shoulder. "Is something wrong between you and Sean?"

I jerked away from her, then did my best to replace what I'm sure was a look of pain and shock with one of bland indifference. "I just don't want us to make fools of ourselves, that's all."

"Hey, you've already rearranged the song a couple times to minimize any embarrassment from me and Shana's rusty hands—trust us, we've got this one down cold." Aja stared at me, her arms folded. She gave a glare I've seen countless times since we first met—the one that says "You're pushing your luck, Kid."

I tried to compose myself. "I know, I know. I guess I'm just nervous, or something. We've never done this before without Jem, and I just really want this to _work_, you know?" I heard myself choking up, and with each word, I spoke a bit louder to compensate.

I felt Shana stroking my hair, which did calm me down a little. At moments like that, she reminds me so much of my mom. "Hey, don't get so worked up about it. Remember, this is just for fun, and old times sake."

"And selling DVD's to earn some extra money for the Starlight Foundation," Raya added. "Oh, and getting made fun of on _The Stew _for wearing our crazy 80's clothes in public again. What were we _thinking _back then?"

The others laughed. I noticed Aja, in her white pantsuit with red boomerangs on the jacket, admiring herself in the mirror. "I don't know, I think I need to put this outfit back into my rotation-don't 'cha agree?" She grinned as she adjusted her red beret.

"I'm just impressed you can still fit into that thing. The rest of us kept Shana busy all week letting our clothes out, didn't we?" Raya winked at me and Shana, and succeeded in coaxing a smile from me in return. For a moment, I forgot my concerns and simply marveled at how this could be the same, shy girl who's father practically had to drag her to her audition twenty years earlier.

I felt Shana give me a little hug. "Let's just have fun,

ok? I'm just glad to see you again." She turned to the others. "All of you."

But then, the fears deep in my mind gnawed their way back to the surface. "I just wish Jerrica had listened to me. This was a mistake; everyone will be so disappointed." I fidgeted with my pink stage cape.

I heard Aja sigh. "I wish I'd been there when you two talked. What exactly happened? I tried to ask Jerrica, but when she's upset, it's like pulling teeth."

That surprised me. If anyone can get a straight answer from Jerrica, it's Aja. It sure isn't me.

As the minutes and seconds ticked by till our big return to the stage, I thought back and tried to recall how I got myself into this mess.

* * *

><p>We didn't grow up poor—our father came from a well-off family, and he ran a few successful businesses—but I'd never seen a place like Starlight Mansion until I stepped foot inside for the first time, when I was eighteen. It made my childhood home, the old Starlight House, look like a dollhouse by comparison!<p>

But, more than its size, I was impressed that such a gigantic house could still feel so homey. Those first few years there weren't easy, as I dealt with having lost my father, and I tried to handle becoming famous overnight, but for the most part, I couldn't have been happier.

A week before the telecast, I stepped into Starlight Mansion again, for the first time in four years. I've tried to figure out what changed—the house, or me? Or both? Either way, the place no longer felt like home to me. I didn't feel welcome.

A darkly tanned girl of about ten in a blue jumper had let me in; I'd never seen her before. She mumbled her name so fast, I couldn't catch it. "Annibel" seemed the best guess I could make. She asked me to wait, then scurried out of the foyer. She returned with a petite thirty-something blonde in dirty overalls.

"Sorry, been helping the girls clean this place up. I keep telling Jerrica that hiring an extra maid wouldn't-" She stopped, stared at me, and smiled. "Kimber! It's good to see you again."

I pulled Ashley into a hug. It had been a couple years since I'd last seen her, at a Starlight Foundation board meeting that turned a bit ugly between me and Jerrica. "It's good to see you, too. How have you been?"

"Busy! We've got several new girls, like Natalie here." She indicated the girl who'd let me in. Ok, so I didn't even come close to getting her name right.

"I'll bet," I replied. "Jerrica should be expecting me. Is she in her office?"

I saw Ashley bite her lip. "She had to take care of some business at Starlight Music. She called a few minutes ago; she expects to be back any time." She pointed down the hallway. "Would you like to wait for her?"

"Of course."

Ashley told Natalie to go join the other girls, then she gestured for me to follow her. (As if I didn't remember the way!) As I watched Natalie run off, part of me regretted that I knew nothing about her. Not the way I knew Ashley, who had been like—well, not like a sister, the way Aja and Shana are to me. More like a niece.

I smiled when I thought back to when Ashley and the other foster girls were kids. Back then, I'd come up with any excuse I could think of to get out of having to look after them. Now, I kind of missed being Aunt Kimber.

"What's with the uniforms, Ashley?" I'd been meaning to ask since I first saw Natalie at the door. I'd never seen anything like it at Starlight Mansion.

"My idea, actually, but Jerrica quickly approved. It's different for kids these days, you know? At lot of these girls come from backgrounds worse than anything you or I could imagine. They need the structure in their lives that they've never received before."

I remembered that Ashley's mother had been a drug dealing prostitute, and I'm pretty sure the woman was still in prison. I hated to think what might be worse than that, and I said a "Thank you" to the stars above that my own daughter had grown up in comfort with me and Sean.

Ashley began talking about a bunch of new programs and activities they'd started for the girls, but honestly, I didn't pay attention. I thought of Sean—how hard the last few months had been since he'd left; how much pain he'd put me through; and, despite that, how much I yearned to see him again.

I replied to Ashley with staccato bursts of "Uh huh," and "Oh?"

She escorted me into Jerrica's office, said something about getting coffee, then slipped out of the room without me noticing. (She always was a sneaky one). I took a seat next to Jerrica's desk and admired a large framed poster covering half of one wall.

It was us—Jem and the Holograms, onstage at the height of our fame. After all this time, I could tell, just by how we stood, which song we were playing: since Jem, Aja, and Shana were all shown singing at a single mic, while I played two separate keyboards with each hand, I knew it must be "Happy Ever After."

I thought back to the day I wrote the song, on my _first_ wedding day; the one to Jeff that we never finished. The one I put a stop to once I realized I wanted Sean more…

"A fan sent it to our offices last year. She'd blown it up from a picture she took at a concert. I think it looks nice. Don't you?" It took a moment for the fact that it was Jerrica talking to sink in. Once the realization hit my brain, I bolted to my feet.

"Jerrica?" It'd been nearly two years since I'd seen my big sister in person. Her gray business suit blended in with the walls. As always, her blond hair, tied back in a ponytail, stood out. She had more lines under her eyes and on her forehead since the last time I'd seen her. Oh well, so did I. (Thank goodness for Botox!)

"Sorry I'm late; all these contracts for the DVD promotions have eaten up my time lately." She stepped up next to me and stiffly put her hands on my shoulders. After a moment, her arms relaxed, and she slowly pulled me into a hug. "I've missed you, Kimber," she told me, softly.

I squeezed her tightly. "Same here. It's been too long." As difficult as things had been between us the last several years—hell, things have rarely been _easy_ between me and Jerrica—it felt so wonderful to hold her again.

Jerrica relaxed her embrace and gave me a smile. "So…would you like some coffee?"

"Um, Ashley said she was going to get some." I took my seat as Jerrica strode to her desk. "She's always on the ball, isn't she?"

Jerrica nodded. "Oh, yes. It's really relaxing having her around. It's nice to have someone I can trust to delegate things to."

"Oh, I'll bet." Delegation is not Jerrica's strong suit. She reminds me of our father, in that way.

She picked up a folder, put on a pair of reading glasses, and made a quick note with her pen before looking back at me. "How's Sara doing?"

I smiled. "She's doing great. Got all A's and B's last semester." I avoided mentioning how badly her grades had sunk _this_ semester, and how much she'd been acting out since her father left.I braced myself for what had to be next.

"That's good to hear. I'd really love to see her again—it's been too long." Jerrica put the folder aside. "And how's Sean?"

I'd rehearsed the answer so many times the past few days, it flowed from me effortlessly: "Oh, he's been so busy on his new movie, we haven't seen much of each other lately."

She tapped her fingernails against her desk. "Well, that's a shame. Of course, you know how movie shoots are—they don't last forever."

"_Starbright_ sure felt like it would, at least when we had to work with the Misfits." I hoped to make her laugh, and I wasn't disappointed.

"Oh, don't remind me! There's nothing more humiliating than working as Eric Raymond's gofer!" We shared a nice laugh—you don't how _good_ it felt, to actually have a tiny bit of fun with Jerrica again. The smart thing would have been to make an excuse to leave, and make plans to see each other again soon.

I'm not known for doing the smart thing.

"Well, that's kinda why I came over—to talk about the DVD."

Jerrica's posture stiffened. "You mean, the TV appearance, don't you?" The mirth of a few moments earlier vanished from her face.

"Yeah." Ok, this was it: time to present all my arguments and hope she wouldn't be able to shoot holes in _all _of them. "I know you turned it down, but I'm still hoping you'll reconsider."

Jerrica shook her head, as if I'd just been speaking Swahili. "Kimber, you surprise me. After all I went through; after everything I lost, everything I gave up, you really think I'd consider for a _moment_ ever becoming Jem again?"

Ok, the first volley, and I'd prepared myself. "What we _all_ went through, Jerrica. It didn't just happen to you, remember? It affected us all." Nice retort, I thought.

Jerrica practically rolled her eyes at me—not _literally, _but as close as you can get. "Well, I think you would understand, then, what a bad idea this is."

No way would I give up so easy. "It's been, what? Nearly seventeen years now? You're not the same person you were back then. None of us are. You're more mature. I have no doubt you can handle Jem without…without what happened before."

Her head drooped as she leaned back on her chair. Ok, I'd expected anger instead, maybe some sarcasm—my predictions were coming up wrong. "I can't believe you don't remember how much I humiliated myself back then. That last year—I turned my back on everything I believed in; everything I wanted Jem to stand for."

Ok, this was so _not_ going according to plan. Jerrica looked like she was on the verge of crying, and that's the last thing I'd intended. "I'm sorry, I just thought that maybe things could be different now. I mean, you're a different person, and so are we."

Jerrica looked up at me, though her eyes soon drooped back to the desk. "I'm not sure what you mean."

I reached across and took her hand. "You were always so darn sure of yourself; I guess we were a little too intimated to step in until things got totally out of hand."

As I spoke, the awful memories came back to me: the four of us confronting Jem, demanding that she give us our sister and friend back. Jem declaring she had a right to exist, no matter what we thought. Shana pleading with her, asking her why she hated being Jerrica.

I winced at the memory of Jem slapping my face, and shuddered as I recalled the terrible sight of Aja and Raya wresting her to the ground.

Worst of all, I could still hear Jem's agonized screams as Aja ripped the Jemstar earrings from her, as Jem writhed and kicked beneath her. And I sighed at the memory of holding my father's amazing creations, still with traces of my sister's blood on them, moments before I dropped them to the floor and ground the earrings beneath my heels.

Jerrica looked into my eyes. "And you think things would be any different now?"

I shrugged. "They'd have to be. And after all, it's only for one day." By now, I'd lost most of my resolve—I began to think this had all been a mistake.

Not that I'd let Jerrica know that.

"You've certainly got more confidence in the idea than I do." (I thought my doubts were now obvious, but she didn't seem to notice). Jerrica stood from her desk and walked to the window. I soon followed.

"We talked about it, the rest of us, and we all agreed it's worth trying." I wrapped my arm around her waist as we watched three of the girls playing tag outside. One of the girls seemed pretty awful at the game—how can you _always_ be "It"? "Hey, I got Aja to go along with it, and you know she's even more stubborn than you!"

That got a small laugh. Score a point for me. Jerrica replied, "Can't argue with that. But she didn't go through what I did. I-" She stopped at the sound of knocking. "Come in!"

Ashley bounded in, carrying a silver service we won as part of some award show in France, a coffee pot Shana bought for the mansion when we were in Italy, and two china cups we won in…China, I guess. "Sorry, took longer than I planned," Ashley told us as she poured two cups. "Mrs. Bailey needed some help getting the vegetables chopped for dinner tonight." I smiled at the thought of dear Mrs. Bailey still slaving away in the kitchen, just as she had since our mother died.

Jerrica took the tray from her. "Well, we should give her a hand."

Thankfully, Ashley replied, "Oh no, I'll help her. I know you two have a lot to discuss." I thanked her for the coffee as she slipped back out of the room.

I sipped the hot coffee and burned my tongue. "I'd never have guessed she'd grow up to run this place!"

Jerrica smiled. "When I remember what she was like when she first arrived, I'm so proud of how far she's come."

I clicked my nails against the glass. I thought I'd found a new way to persuade her. "Now, with Ashley running things here, you don't have nearly as many pressures on you, like you used to. Maybe things really can be different now."

Her brow narrowed. "I thought we'd finished discussing your idea."

"No, we were _interrupted_," I grumbled at Jerrica and her ever-so condescending tone. "So, you're not willing to hear me out?"

"Even if I'd consider it, there's no Jemstar earrings. No earrings, no Jem."

Hmmph! Did she think I'd forgotten? "I already told you our plan on the phone. We could keep Synergy in a truck near the stage—we'll say it's your dressing room trailer. She'll have a direct line of sight to form the Jem hologram. Aja said if you let her make a few modifications, she may be able to increase Synergy's power."

Jerrica tilted her head back and laughed. "Kimber, that would _never_ work. The slightest interference and the hologram would be disrupted."

"I think it's worth a try. Even if it failed, what would it matter if people found out _now_?"

Jerrica put her coffee cup on its saucer, and sighed. "It doesn't matter. Even if it could work, it doesn't matter."

"Why not try?" I flung my arms as a I spoke, sending coffee flying onto Jerrica's drapes. "Whoops," I added, red-faced.

She didn't seem to notice. "I disassembled Synergy. She's not here anymore."

I didn't think I'd heard her correctly. I asked her to repeat what she'd said. She did.

I admit, I hadn't prepared for _this_.

"What do you mean? Where is she?" I leaned across her desk and hovered over her.

"A couple years ago, I took her apart, drove her to…a secret location, and buried her, where no one can find her." Jerrica turned away from me and put her head in her hands.

"Synergy? But…" I slumped into my chair. "How could you? How could you do that to her?" I know it might sound silly, crying over a machine, but that's what I began to do.

Synergy always was more than just a machine.

"Kimber, I considered it long and hard. She's an incredible invention, but I simply didn't have enough use for her to justify all the work it takes to keep her hidden."

I felt her next to me, stroking my hair. I didn't want her sympathy; not now. "Why am I just hearing about this? Why didn't you tell me?"

Looking back, I guess I do appreciate that she gave me an honest answer. "I knew you might talk me out of it."

I sure didn't appreciate it at the time, though.

I jumped to my feet and scowled at her. "You're damn right! How could you? Father left her to _both_ of us."

Jerrica tried shushing me. "Calm down. Everyone will _hear_ you."

"I don't care! You had no right to do that without asking us. Without asking _me_!" I tossed my coffee cup across the room. We watched it shatter against the poster on the wall.

She grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "For God's sake, Kimber, you're forty years old! Stop acting like a child!"

I wriggled out of her grip. "And you stop acting like you're my mother! You're not Mom, and you never will be!"

She turned away, which surprised me, since I could think of much crueler things to say than that. When she turned back, she seemed more sad than angry. "Of all things, how could you throw _that_ in my face?"

I realized I'd been a little harsh. Still, I knew neither of us could ever be the woman our mother was; I'd accepted that long ago. Finally, I put two and two together. "Jerrica, I…I didn't mean it that way." Oh, me and my big mouth!

"I love the girls here. They're my life. But only recently, it's hit me that I'll never have…" She couldn't finish. She walked back to the window.

I joined her. The girls had moved on from tag, and several were now at the pool, with the oldest girl, Dominique, I think, serving as lifeguard. "It's not too late, Jerrica. Not if it's something you really want." I hugged her arm.

"I made my choice, long ago." I noticed her watching the girls intensely. I heard her mutter, "Don't let Nicola get too close to the deep end."

I don't why, but I blurted out, "Rio misses you." I had good intentions, honestly.

"What?" Jerrica didn't turn to face me.

"He told me, a few months ago, when he was doing some mastering work on my new album." I knew my best chance of distracting her would be to bring up her ex-fiancée: the love of her life, and my surrogate big brother.

Boy, did it ever.

Jerrica folded her arms and shook her head. "Rio and I…it's been over for a long time."

"He said he really regrets how he behaved back then." Perhaps I embellished Rio's vague comments a bit, but in my current mood, I guess I felt a need to bring the people I love together.

I remember my father saying something about "The road to Hell…"

"He has nothing to regret. Jem—_I,_ destroyed everything. Jem couldn't keep away from Riot…"

I gave her a smile. "But that's all in the past now. All of it! You don't have to keep beating yourself up, and you don't have to be afraid of being Jem!" I failed to hide my eagerness.

Jerrica cocked an eyebrow at me. Oh, great, what had I done now? "Stop _pushing_ me, Kimber! What is with your sudden desire to put the group back together!"

I'd been waiting for her to ask me this whole time. I'd prepared an answer I hoped she'd believe. "I miss you all; I miss working with you. And I won't lie—you know my last couple albums haven't sold that well. Maybe people are tired of Kimber Benton, but I _know_they wanna hear Jem and the Holograms again."

"Is that so? And it's got nothing to do with Sean leaving you?"

It was as if someone had stuck a vacuum cleaner down my throat and sucked all the air from my lungs. "Who…who told you?"

She stared me down, the fading evening light forming a halo around her blonde hair. "Sean did, three months ago."

I could only mumble, "You never told me you knew?"

"It's your life, Kimber. You've reminded me of that, over and over, and over." She stepped back to her desk and picked up another folder.

"You could have said something." I still struggled to get my voice back.

"If you wanted to talk, you could have called." She took out a red pen and began marking a page she found.

"Would you have listened to me? Or just judged me?"

She slipped off her glasses and looked me up and down. "Why? Did you cheat on him again?"

Before I realized what I'd done, I felt my palm stinging after I slapped her cheek. Of all the nerve! Bringing up one big, stupid mistake. "You're one to talk!" I spat out.

Jerrica rubbed the mark I'd left. "And you really think we should work together again?" I have to admit, I can't say she didn't have a point.

She straightened her clothes and hair, then addressed me, again her usual calm self. "I'm sorry. Kimber, I do want to talk things over, but it's clear neither of us is in the mood to behave like adults today. I'm going to ask you to leave."

I gave her a dismissive wave. "Whatever. You're the boss, Jerrica." I stormed out, wandered through the halls till I found the foyer again, and left Starlight Mansion behind me.

* * *

><p>The moment had arrived: my big brainstorm, about to come to life. Mike and Angie were about to return from commercials, about to announce the grand return to the stage for the Holograms…minus Jem. This <em>really<em> didn't seem like a good idea anymore.

We waited to be announced to the crowd of onlookers that always gathered outside the ABS in the hope of getting on camera. Today, they'd be our audience.

Raya slouched near the stage door, her hands in her jacket pockets. Being on TV is no big deal for her these days, even if it's a bit earlier in the day than she's used to. Shana clutched her guitar, while I stood next to Aja, quaking in my heels.

"This is _such_ a mistake," I told her.

"Hey, if it's a mistake, at least it'll be a fun one." She gave me her cheekiest grin.

Maybe I could still get one thing right. "I hope I wasn't too big a jerk during rehearsals," I made sure Shana could hear too. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings."

Shana smiled. "It's ok, really."

Aja put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed. "Yeah, Kid, don't worry about it. Sometimes, you just gotta be the bad guy if you need things done right. Don't sweat it."

I thought of how much I wished I could talk with Jerrica like that.

Now the moment arrived: Mike Charles announced our names, as the crowd began cheering.

Aja took my hand, and grinned. "Let's see if we can make enough noise to blow the rest of the hair off Mike's head!" I giggled as she led me through the stage door, out toward the open air.

We all clambered the raised platform where my old pink synth and Raya's drums had been set up. We'd had a quick sound check at dawn that morning, but seeing a crowd of several hundred people around us gave it all a whole different atmosphere.

Angie Nichols finished the introduction, "…With their classic hit, 'Show Me the Way'!"

Every nerve in my body tingled as Raya began the count-in. As we always had done, we were playing live—nothing pre-recorded. A remnant of my teenage pride: I always insisted we play live whenever possible, to prove we weren't just cute faces.

In perfect time, we plowed into the first notes, with me singing lead: "I keep runnin' in circles, never know where I stand…" I could feel my voice straining, as I tried to match the high key I'd written for Jem's voice. But since we were only playing one song, I knew I'd be fine.

We sounded much better than I'd hoped; better than the rehearsals. Raya drummed smoothly and with gusto. Aja's bass loped and snaked around the beat. Shana, the rustiest of us (she's been busy with her fashion career since we broke up), handled her rhythm guitar part solidly, without mistakes.

For three minutes, I forgot my fight with Jerrica, and all the misery of the last few months without Sean. Maybe Jem wasn't here, but the Holograms were back, and the crowd seemed to love every moment.

I felt eighteen again.

Before I knew what had happened, we'd reached the big finish. Until now, I'd forgotten that incredibly high note at the end—the one even Jem would nearly, but never quite, miss onstage. The rehearsals had been fine, but I'd spent the whole song preparing for that note on those days…

"Show me the wa-" I could hear my voice cracking, shredding the note to pieces, "ayyyyy—ayy-aaaayy!" I turned away from the mic before I'd even finished. Before the others brought the song to an end, I began to run from the stage.

I pushed my way past the hulking security guards, and wild-eyed fans thrusting pens and paper at me. Over the crowd, I heard Aja call my name, but I didn't look back; I didn't stop running. I heard my phone ring—I grabbed it, shut off the ringer, and stuffed it back down my blouse.

I soon found myself on the sidewalks, with Manhattan buzzing all around me. I guess I was lucky: I was in one city where no one would notice or care how strangely I was dressed!

I ran up the sidewalk, spending the next several minutes hailing a cab, before I finally got one. Once I'd settled into the back, I found I could only slump my head against the window and try not to cry in front of the cabbie.

* * *

><p>About twenty minutes or so later, I made it back to my hotel, the Lassiter Grand. I kept my head down, and did my best to avoid eye contact with anyone milling around the lobby.<p>

I managed to find an empty elevator. As it began its climb to the penthouse suite, I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down.

After feeling my phone vibrate again, I took a moment to check my missed calls. One from Aja; one from Stormer. Then two numbers I didn't recognize. Reporters? I felt sick at the thought of what the next _Cool Trash _might say. Then a second call from Aja.

But next was Sean. He had seen the show? As the elevator stopped, and I headed towards my room, I fumbled my way through my voicemail, skipping other messages till I found what Sean had left me.

I stepped inside my darkened suite and placed the phone to my ear.

"It's, uh, it's me." He paused and breathed. I smiled at hearing him for the first time in months. He always took such sexy breaths. "Look, Kimber, I got your messages. I just…well, I haven't had the brass to get back to you till now."

He paused for what felt like ages. "I'd best say it now before I lose me nerve. I've met someone else, Kimber. I'm sorry." I sank to the floor.

The recording of him sighed. "I do care about you, and I don't want you to spend you life waiting-" The voicemail cut him off. Nice to know it was on my side.

I guess all that was left was the crying, so that's what I did.

Later, I'd had enough of sitting in the dark. When I flipped on the lights, I could see that, in the living area, someone had placed an ice bucket with a bottle of champagne and four glasses on the table. I realized someone must have brought it in during the show.

I shuffled glumly to the table and picked up the bottle. Paul Georg: inexpensive, but enjoyable. I sighed at my memories; Sean loved champagne. We used to have tasting parties in the summer; long cookouts on the Vineyard with our neighbors; Sean teaching Sara to sail while I waved at them from the shore.

All those years, for nothing.

I now noticed the card, next to the ice bucket:

"Kimber,

Congratulations on your show this morning. I'm sure the Holograms knocked them dead!

I'm sorry for how things have become between us. I hope you'll forgive me. Let's make a fresh start, ok? I miss you.

To your continued success!

With all my love,

Jerrica"

I sank into the couch cushions and clutched the note in my hand. Even with everything else that had happened, I should have been happy to read that. But I wasn't.

I lost my man. I failed on stage. My albums didn't sell anymore. My little girl had almost grown up. I was forty, and my hair had begun turning gray.

My sister was a bigger person than me, and always would be.

What an outrageous disappointment I had become.

I popped the cork and poured a toast. To my continued success…

I downed a glass, then drank the rest straight from the bottle.

* * *

><p>(Special thanks to my beta reader: my sister, Rosanna).<p> 


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